Judge John Hodgman on Lying in Your Dog’s Bed

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Kelsey writes: My fiancé, Curt, and I live together along with our dog, Maggie. When we watch TV, Curt often lies in Maggie’s dog bed rather than sitting on our (large) couch. I think that’s gross. Maggie doesn’t like it, either. Please order Curt not to lounge in the dog bed.

The longer we are all cooped up together at home, the more we are learning about one another. I do not claim to understand why Curt wants to lie down with dogs and get up with fleas — or at least a bucket of hair and dander on his sweatpants. But now you know whom you are going to marry. For your sake, Curt’s dignity and Maggie’s inalienable right to comfort while putting up with both of you, I order Curt back on the couch. You can experiment with reward training if he is not initially compliant, but I also authorize you to spray him with water if you catch him in the dog bed again.

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